I couldn't sleep at all last night. For days I've been sleeping poorly as a growing sense of unease was taking hold of my body. Last night it climaxed into a full rage of hurt, anger, betrayal.. all that negative stuff. Poor me- my current life is being so unfair.
Finally, after tossing and turning for about 5 hours and prompted into action by a dead ereader battery, I got up, got dressed, and left my room under the pretense of fetching my reader's charger from work. Being on nightshift for the past couple months meant that the full mid-day sun came as quite a shock to my system. I seethed on my way to the office and moped around until deciding to just go ahead and be productive-ish since I was awake anyways.
I wallowed in my self-pity.
I did have some errands to run that I normally do on my way to work in the evenings so why not go ahead and get them done now? I found myself at the shoppette and the handful of gift/ souvenir stores lovingly located in one convenient boardwalk and sighed heavily as I faced the sun and hordes of people, readying myself to fight my way in to do my errands.
Then something happened. I looked up and realized it was a clear, pale blue sky. The sun was shining brightly after weeks of rainy weather and warmed the gravel of the sidewalks and relented with a cool breeze in the shadows.
I slowed down.
I had been meaning to go shopping at the souvenir stores for some time, so I did it. All small, planned purchases with an eye open to future shopping trips- I felt the tension going out of my stride. I "splurged" on a fruit drink and my guilty pleasure of cheese fries and sat in the sun just taking in the moment. As my friends love to say, a zen- arrow came zinging and struck me firmly in the ass, not wholly unexpected.
If my life is unfair, it is because I allowed it to be. And honestly, what was even unfair about any of the things I was angry about? I sit isolated in my office every night and send wishes into the ether, with no effort to manifest a damned thing. Right then and there, I pulled the arrow from my body and read its tag: "Get Over Yourself."
I accept the fact that some of my angry issues are not in my power to control and that I have no right to demand control over everything I touch. Sometimes the powers that be make decisions because they have been granted that power- I haven't earned the right to be one of those powers. But that doesn't mean that I can't assert my confidence and rise above the powerless place I (and only I) have placed myself in. Part of that assertiveness is knowing what battles need fighting, and which require surrender.
I'm not saying that I give up and whatever happens, happens and that I am powerless to change anything. But I am accepting that some storms just have to be ridden out. If I take my ship to sea and let the storm pass, I come through much better than if I stubbornly tie the boat to a flimsy pier on a rocky beach. My ship can handle a little extra wind, and I'm ready with the bail bucket for the water and a sewing kit for the sails. And who knows? Maybe the wind will carry me to a place beyond beauty that I could only ever imagine in my dreams. Or maybe I sit stagnant for a while until the weather sees fit to bring be back to shore and I replenish my stores for greater adventures later. One thing is for sure, though- sitting defenseless on the rocky beach while the storm batters my ship into splinters won't get me anywhere I want to be.
Getting over myself- funny what a little walk in the sunshine (and a teeny bit of shopping therapy) will do for the soul.
Anchors Away.
