The Adult World

When I was a child, there was a magical faraway kingdom I was led to believe existed just over the horizon.  That kingdom was the Adult World...

In this world people were sophisticated and well-read and courteous.  The pettiness of middle and high school was so below these people.  These people worked hard and knew how to be polite.  They were civilized and treated one another with respect.  I knew that one day, a magical day, a switch would be flipped and I'd enter that world.  Not without responsibility, though.  I always knew that was part of living in AW- but that's what people did there.  They worked hard and were responsible and took care of themselves and one another. 

I'm still waiting for my ticket to Adult World.  Maybe it's lost in the mail.

I remember a childhood filled with comments and actions pushing me to "grow up!" and "act your age!" and my favorite: "if you want to be treated like an adult, act like an adult!"  I think that final statement is what prompted the ideas of AW- that there was a transition of childhood to adult and that happened, well, like a switch.  Maybe it was at 18- legal "adult age."  Or maybe at that magic 21.  Or, as my father was fond of saying, it happens at 35 (which, oddly enough- Dad's "adult age" grew in years as he did.  I think the new age for becoming an adult is now 50?)

My dreams became slightly splintered during the transition from middle to high school.  I blame media for that and casting mature actors to play teenagers so when they always seemed older and more mature- they were!  Meh, it's a theory.  Then in high school, I had teachers talking about college and how its this great place filled with intellectuals where I could bond with like-minded young adults.  Free thinking! Open, educated, logical yet civil debates!  Oh, it was going to be great to shed the shackles of the pettiness of my classmates and enter a logical and civil paradise.  We'd all be there to learn and expand our minds, right?

After high school I joined the Air National Guard and went to basic training and tech school.  I observed immediately that the people hadn't changed- it was all kind of like still being in high school except with running and uniforms.  The faces had changed, but the people were the same.  Same backstabbing, same rumors, same petty arguments.  Don't get me wrong, I was part of it too, but I wasn't an "adult" yet, right?  I hadn't entered the "real world" (another favorite childhood saying about living in the real world as opposed to that fake one I was in).

I've been floating ever since.  I had a bit of a quarter-life crisis at 25 because my invitation to Adult World hadn't come yet, despite doing all the right (and wrong) things I thought I was doing.  I had been married and divorced. Had purchased a house and already faced with being unable to sell and having to figure something out.  Had been paying my bills, I did my taxes.  Drove a nice car that I had bought and paid for while keeping it insured.  I felt like I had done the actions of adults, but didn't feel like I was one of them yet.  I had yet to rise above my own high school dramas and allowed myself to get caught up in other peoples dramas and games and gossip...

A few years later I'm the same way.  Still have that house, have a condo here in the town I live in.  Still pay my bills, still conduct myself civilly in public.  But I still feel like a child.  Still can't keep my room clean, still let laundry pile up, still eat like crap, still gossip, still get pouty when I don't get my way, still make excuses.... but I'm working on that! I promise!

Lately I've been irritated.  That entrance ticket to Adult World has never shown up.  I feel trapped and helpless as I look around and ponder my fate of being stuck with these other people that never got their calling to AW, either.  I keep shaking my head at the high school dramas and very consciously willing myself not to get involved (getting better!).  I still get shocked, however, when people that I perceive to be qualified for AW (mostly the ones older than me) act like children and then I feel like a child as a result.  My invitation is still pending, so it feels like I must continue to play the role of a child or inferior to those AW qualifiers, but then get upset at the injustice- just another sign I'm not ready for AW, right??

I have a sneaking suspicion that Adult World doesn't exist.  At least, the concept as I had believed doesn't exist and that the magical world isn't as exclusive as I thought.  Seems they let anyone in these days...  As I'm typing this, though, I'm thinking back on the previous lives I've lived and the life I have now.  Yes, I was a child and a teenager and as I've grown, I've set myself on the path to AW.  The people I have chosen to associate with have helped me grow and have unconsciously pushed me to become more self aware (or maybe that WAS a conscious effort!).  I still have to make my dealings in that all inclusive, shattered Real World, but I can choose and make my own Adult World by being my own ticket and extending the invitation to the people I choose to have in my life.  It may not be that utopia I imagined as a child, but it's getting there and I realize now that it starts with deciding to be an ADULT myself. 

Funny, I started this entry all riled up and pissed off that people can't just act like adults and grow up already.  Just in the time it has taken to write this, I realized that I'm still part of the problem and that change starts with me.  Can we add that to my AW entrance application, please?