I couldn't sleep at all last night. For days I've been sleeping poorly as a growing sense of unease was taking hold of my body. Last night it climaxed into a full rage of hurt, anger, betrayal.. all that negative stuff. Poor me- my current life is being so unfair.
Finally, after tossing and turning for about 5 hours and prompted into action by a dead ereader battery, I got up, got dressed, and left my room under the pretense of fetching my reader's charger from work. Being on nightshift for the past couple months meant that the full mid-day sun came as quite a shock to my system. I seethed on my way to the office and moped around until deciding to just go ahead and be productive-ish since I was awake anyways.
I wallowed in my self-pity.
I did have some errands to run that I normally do on my way to work in the evenings so why not go ahead and get them done now? I found myself at the shoppette and the handful of gift/ souvenir stores lovingly located in one convenient boardwalk and sighed heavily as I faced the sun and hordes of people, readying myself to fight my way in to do my errands.
Then something happened. I looked up and realized it was a clear, pale blue sky. The sun was shining brightly after weeks of rainy weather and warmed the gravel of the sidewalks and relented with a cool breeze in the shadows.
I slowed down.
I had been meaning to go shopping at the souvenir stores for some time, so I did it. All small, planned purchases with an eye open to future shopping trips- I felt the tension going out of my stride. I "splurged" on a fruit drink and my guilty pleasure of cheese fries and sat in the sun just taking in the moment. As my friends love to say, a zen- arrow came zinging and struck me firmly in the ass, not wholly unexpected.
If my life is unfair, it is because I allowed it to be. And honestly, what was even unfair about any of the things I was angry about? I sit isolated in my office every night and send wishes into the ether, with no effort to manifest a damned thing. Right then and there, I pulled the arrow from my body and read its tag: "Get Over Yourself."
I accept the fact that some of my angry issues are not in my power to control and that I have no right to demand control over everything I touch. Sometimes the powers that be make decisions because they have been granted that power- I haven't earned the right to be one of those powers. But that doesn't mean that I can't assert my confidence and rise above the powerless place I (and only I) have placed myself in. Part of that assertiveness is knowing what battles need fighting, and which require surrender.
I'm not saying that I give up and whatever happens, happens and that I am powerless to change anything. But I am accepting that some storms just have to be ridden out. If I take my ship to sea and let the storm pass, I come through much better than if I stubbornly tie the boat to a flimsy pier on a rocky beach. My ship can handle a little extra wind, and I'm ready with the bail bucket for the water and a sewing kit for the sails. And who knows? Maybe the wind will carry me to a place beyond beauty that I could only ever imagine in my dreams. Or maybe I sit stagnant for a while until the weather sees fit to bring be back to shore and I replenish my stores for greater adventures later. One thing is for sure, though- sitting defenseless on the rocky beach while the storm batters my ship into splinters won't get me anywhere I want to be.
Getting over myself- funny what a little walk in the sunshine (and a teeny bit of shopping therapy) will do for the soul.
Anchors Away.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Scared to say what I want to say...
So I've been sitting on a blog entry for about half a month now. I wrote it the night of July 4th after an entire day of irritation had gotten to me. Basically, it was a little temper tantrum about feeling undeserving of the almost constant praise and thanks for my service and imagining telling off those people and informing them where to take their gratitude (actually, nothing obscene there. I would have told them to thank teachers and firemen and police, etc.).
So why didn't I publish it? it's still on my phone- wouldn't take but a few seconds to do it. Basically I'm scared. Not sure of what exactly- maybe because I know some of the things written are a bit controversial or could spark arguments or might upset someone and we can't have THAT on the internet, can we?
Looking at my Facebook page, there's a lot of stuff I repost or make comments on where my opinions may not be in the majority. But I still temper what gets published. Yes, there's a lot out there where I don't care what people think of me as a result and I probably have a few family members or friends that have my posts "hidden" due to content or language or whatever. Point is- I'm still editing myself.
Even here on my own blog where I don't have followers and really the only things people see are what I share with Facebook, I still don't say all that I want to say. Blame it on the social conditioning of girls having to be "sugar and spice and all things nice" if you want. I blame it on simply not wanting to rock the boat.
Maybe one day I'll publish that post. Maybe one day I'll get over this stupid fear of "upsetting" people. But until then, enjoy the tempered, edited Chase.
So why didn't I publish it? it's still on my phone- wouldn't take but a few seconds to do it. Basically I'm scared. Not sure of what exactly- maybe because I know some of the things written are a bit controversial or could spark arguments or might upset someone and we can't have THAT on the internet, can we?
Looking at my Facebook page, there's a lot of stuff I repost or make comments on where my opinions may not be in the majority. But I still temper what gets published. Yes, there's a lot out there where I don't care what people think of me as a result and I probably have a few family members or friends that have my posts "hidden" due to content or language or whatever. Point is- I'm still editing myself.
Even here on my own blog where I don't have followers and really the only things people see are what I share with Facebook, I still don't say all that I want to say. Blame it on the social conditioning of girls having to be "sugar and spice and all things nice" if you want. I blame it on simply not wanting to rock the boat.
Maybe one day I'll publish that post. Maybe one day I'll get over this stupid fear of "upsetting" people. But until then, enjoy the tempered, edited Chase.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
The Adult World
When I was a child, there was a magical faraway kingdom I was led to believe existed just over the horizon. That kingdom was the Adult World...
In this world people were sophisticated and well-read and courteous. The pettiness of middle and high school was so below these people. These people worked hard and knew how to be polite. They were civilized and treated one another with respect. I knew that one day, a magical day, a switch would be flipped and I'd enter that world. Not without responsibility, though. I always knew that was part of living in AW- but that's what people did there. They worked hard and were responsible and took care of themselves and one another.
I'm still waiting for my ticket to Adult World. Maybe it's lost in the mail.
I remember a childhood filled with comments and actions pushing me to "grow up!" and "act your age!" and my favorite: "if you want to be treated like an adult, act like an adult!" I think that final statement is what prompted the ideas of AW- that there was a transition of childhood to adult and that happened, well, like a switch. Maybe it was at 18- legal "adult age." Or maybe at that magic 21. Or, as my father was fond of saying, it happens at 35 (which, oddly enough- Dad's "adult age" grew in years as he did. I think the new age for becoming an adult is now 50?)
My dreams became slightly splintered during the transition from middle to high school. I blame media for that and casting mature actors to play teenagers so when they always seemed older and more mature- they were! Meh, it's a theory. Then in high school, I had teachers talking about college and how its this great place filled with intellectuals where I could bond with like-minded young adults. Free thinking! Open, educated, logical yet civil debates! Oh, it was going to be great to shed the shackles of the pettiness of my classmates and enter a logical and civil paradise. We'd all be there to learn and expand our minds, right?
After high school I joined the Air National Guard and went to basic training and tech school. I observed immediately that the people hadn't changed- it was all kind of like still being in high school except with running and uniforms. The faces had changed, but the people were the same. Same backstabbing, same rumors, same petty arguments. Don't get me wrong, I was part of it too, but I wasn't an "adult" yet, right? I hadn't entered the "real world" (another favorite childhood saying about living in the real world as opposed to that fake one I was in).
I've been floating ever since. I had a bit of a quarter-life crisis at 25 because my invitation to Adult World hadn't come yet, despite doing all the right (and wrong) things I thought I was doing. I had been married and divorced. Had purchased a house and already faced with being unable to sell and having to figure something out. Had been paying my bills, I did my taxes. Drove a nice car that I had bought and paid for while keeping it insured. I felt like I had done the actions of adults, but didn't feel like I was one of them yet. I had yet to rise above my own high school dramas and allowed myself to get caught up in other peoples dramas and games and gossip...
A few years later I'm the same way. Still have that house, have a condo here in the town I live in. Still pay my bills, still conduct myself civilly in public. But I still feel like a child. Still can't keep my room clean, still let laundry pile up, still eat like crap, still gossip, still get pouty when I don't get my way, still make excuses.... but I'm working on that! I promise!
Lately I've been irritated. That entrance ticket to Adult World has never shown up. I feel trapped and helpless as I look around and ponder my fate of being stuck with these other people that never got their calling to AW, either. I keep shaking my head at the high school dramas and very consciously willing myself not to get involved (getting better!). I still get shocked, however, when people that I perceive to be qualified for AW (mostly the ones older than me) act like children and then I feel like a child as a result. My invitation is still pending, so it feels like I must continue to play the role of a child or inferior to those AW qualifiers, but then get upset at the injustice- just another sign I'm not ready for AW, right??
I have a sneaking suspicion that Adult World doesn't exist. At least, the concept as I had believed doesn't exist and that the magical world isn't as exclusive as I thought. Seems they let anyone in these days... As I'm typing this, though, I'm thinking back on the previous lives I've lived and the life I have now. Yes, I was a child and a teenager and as I've grown, I've set myself on the path to AW. The people I have chosen to associate with have helped me grow and have unconsciously pushed me to become more self aware (or maybe that WAS a conscious effort!). I still have to make my dealings in that all inclusive, shattered Real World, but I can choose and make my own Adult World by being my own ticket and extending the invitation to the people I choose to have in my life. It may not be that utopia I imagined as a child, but it's getting there and I realize now that it starts with deciding to be an ADULT myself.
Funny, I started this entry all riled up and pissed off that people can't just act like adults and grow up already. Just in the time it has taken to write this, I realized that I'm still part of the problem and that change starts with me. Can we add that to my AW entrance application, please?
In this world people were sophisticated and well-read and courteous. The pettiness of middle and high school was so below these people. These people worked hard and knew how to be polite. They were civilized and treated one another with respect. I knew that one day, a magical day, a switch would be flipped and I'd enter that world. Not without responsibility, though. I always knew that was part of living in AW- but that's what people did there. They worked hard and were responsible and took care of themselves and one another.
I'm still waiting for my ticket to Adult World. Maybe it's lost in the mail.
I remember a childhood filled with comments and actions pushing me to "grow up!" and "act your age!" and my favorite: "if you want to be treated like an adult, act like an adult!" I think that final statement is what prompted the ideas of AW- that there was a transition of childhood to adult and that happened, well, like a switch. Maybe it was at 18- legal "adult age." Or maybe at that magic 21. Or, as my father was fond of saying, it happens at 35 (which, oddly enough- Dad's "adult age" grew in years as he did. I think the new age for becoming an adult is now 50?)
My dreams became slightly splintered during the transition from middle to high school. I blame media for that and casting mature actors to play teenagers so when they always seemed older and more mature- they were! Meh, it's a theory. Then in high school, I had teachers talking about college and how its this great place filled with intellectuals where I could bond with like-minded young adults. Free thinking! Open, educated, logical yet civil debates! Oh, it was going to be great to shed the shackles of the pettiness of my classmates and enter a logical and civil paradise. We'd all be there to learn and expand our minds, right?
After high school I joined the Air National Guard and went to basic training and tech school. I observed immediately that the people hadn't changed- it was all kind of like still being in high school except with running and uniforms. The faces had changed, but the people were the same. Same backstabbing, same rumors, same petty arguments. Don't get me wrong, I was part of it too, but I wasn't an "adult" yet, right? I hadn't entered the "real world" (another favorite childhood saying about living in the real world as opposed to that fake one I was in).
I've been floating ever since. I had a bit of a quarter-life crisis at 25 because my invitation to Adult World hadn't come yet, despite doing all the right (and wrong) things I thought I was doing. I had been married and divorced. Had purchased a house and already faced with being unable to sell and having to figure something out. Had been paying my bills, I did my taxes. Drove a nice car that I had bought and paid for while keeping it insured. I felt like I had done the actions of adults, but didn't feel like I was one of them yet. I had yet to rise above my own high school dramas and allowed myself to get caught up in other peoples dramas and games and gossip...
A few years later I'm the same way. Still have that house, have a condo here in the town I live in. Still pay my bills, still conduct myself civilly in public. But I still feel like a child. Still can't keep my room clean, still let laundry pile up, still eat like crap, still gossip, still get pouty when I don't get my way, still make excuses.... but I'm working on that! I promise!
Lately I've been irritated. That entrance ticket to Adult World has never shown up. I feel trapped and helpless as I look around and ponder my fate of being stuck with these other people that never got their calling to AW, either. I keep shaking my head at the high school dramas and very consciously willing myself not to get involved (getting better!). I still get shocked, however, when people that I perceive to be qualified for AW (mostly the ones older than me) act like children and then I feel like a child as a result. My invitation is still pending, so it feels like I must continue to play the role of a child or inferior to those AW qualifiers, but then get upset at the injustice- just another sign I'm not ready for AW, right??
I have a sneaking suspicion that Adult World doesn't exist. At least, the concept as I had believed doesn't exist and that the magical world isn't as exclusive as I thought. Seems they let anyone in these days... As I'm typing this, though, I'm thinking back on the previous lives I've lived and the life I have now. Yes, I was a child and a teenager and as I've grown, I've set myself on the path to AW. The people I have chosen to associate with have helped me grow and have unconsciously pushed me to become more self aware (or maybe that WAS a conscious effort!). I still have to make my dealings in that all inclusive, shattered Real World, but I can choose and make my own Adult World by being my own ticket and extending the invitation to the people I choose to have in my life. It may not be that utopia I imagined as a child, but it's getting there and I realize now that it starts with deciding to be an ADULT myself.
Funny, I started this entry all riled up and pissed off that people can't just act like adults and grow up already. Just in the time it has taken to write this, I realized that I'm still part of the problem and that change starts with me. Can we add that to my AW entrance application, please?
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Could you check my blinker fluid? I think it's low...
Summer is upon us which for a lot of people means lots of driving and lots of driving in cities you may not be familiar with. In light of this, I've decided to write a little advice column about driving in and around Denver, Colorado based on some observances made today. Please note that I am a world-class expert driver-person and a perfect model of courteousness at all times and have never ever once committed an act behind the wheel that might be mistakenly lumped into the category of douchbageriness. With that said, let us continue.
Tip #1: Altitude is a funny thing. Here in the Denver metro area, altitude has been known to cause swelling of the brain which results is some pretty strange behavior- especially once inside a car. I'm no altitude expert but from what I understand, the seals on the doors cause a vacuum-like environment where anything goes. Anything...
Tip#2: Another altitude warning: the high elevation means your blinker fluid might run out quicker. This causes strange effects on your blinkers; the usual symptom is it not working at all. Less common is the wrong blinker flashing for your intended merge or turn. No need to fret, though. Many Denver drivers are well aware of this fully little quirk and will merge for you, or just assume you're going somewhere else and that your spot on the highway is free for them to take.
Tip#3: Feel free to text on the interstate while driving 15 below the limit during rush-hour traffic. Your swerving will help you keep your space and there's the entertainment factor of watching everyone zoom around you. Think of it as a game of bumper cars.
Tip#4: When approaching an intersection and there are two left hand turn lanes, assume the third left lane is turning as well, despite the appearance of it going straight through the intersection. You are a dick if you decide to go straight through and cut off someone changing lanes. Which reminds me...
Tip#5: Changing lanes in the middle of an intersection is apparently legal in Denver.
Tip#6: Stopping at a Yield sign is not allowed, even if there is on-coming traffic or pedestrians.
Tip#7: Stopping at red lights is also bad. And NEVER stop at a yellow light.
Tip#8: The quiet residential streets are perfect for drag racing. +1 if you manage to find anyone getting out of or into their car.
Tip#9: If your driving this summer happens to involve a moving truck it is advisable that you take the corner spaces on the residential streets to prevent anyone from being able to see around you.
and finally...
Tip#10: The more expensive vehicle has the right-of-way. Always. If wealth is not apparent, the bigger one, then. And mini-vans trump all.
I hope this is helpful- feel free to add additional tips for Denver drivers!
**I really hope this isn't necessary, but this entire thing is a farce and should not be taken seriously... After all, we all know blinker fluid never goes low- it just bursts into a fiery blaze when exposed to high altitude and THAT'S why we don't use them...**
Tip #1: Altitude is a funny thing. Here in the Denver metro area, altitude has been known to cause swelling of the brain which results is some pretty strange behavior- especially once inside a car. I'm no altitude expert but from what I understand, the seals on the doors cause a vacuum-like environment where anything goes. Anything...
Tip#2: Another altitude warning: the high elevation means your blinker fluid might run out quicker. This causes strange effects on your blinkers; the usual symptom is it not working at all. Less common is the wrong blinker flashing for your intended merge or turn. No need to fret, though. Many Denver drivers are well aware of this fully little quirk and will merge for you, or just assume you're going somewhere else and that your spot on the highway is free for them to take.
Tip#3: Feel free to text on the interstate while driving 15 below the limit during rush-hour traffic. Your swerving will help you keep your space and there's the entertainment factor of watching everyone zoom around you. Think of it as a game of bumper cars.
Tip#4: When approaching an intersection and there are two left hand turn lanes, assume the third left lane is turning as well, despite the appearance of it going straight through the intersection. You are a dick if you decide to go straight through and cut off someone changing lanes. Which reminds me...
Tip#5: Changing lanes in the middle of an intersection is apparently legal in Denver.
Tip#6: Stopping at a Yield sign is not allowed, even if there is on-coming traffic or pedestrians.
Tip#7: Stopping at red lights is also bad. And NEVER stop at a yellow light.
Tip#8: The quiet residential streets are perfect for drag racing. +1 if you manage to find anyone getting out of or into their car.
Tip#9: If your driving this summer happens to involve a moving truck it is advisable that you take the corner spaces on the residential streets to prevent anyone from being able to see around you.
and finally...
Tip#10: The more expensive vehicle has the right-of-way. Always. If wealth is not apparent, the bigger one, then. And mini-vans trump all.
I hope this is helpful- feel free to add additional tips for Denver drivers!
**I really hope this isn't necessary, but this entire thing is a farce and should not be taken seriously... After all, we all know blinker fluid never goes low- it just bursts into a fiery blaze when exposed to high altitude and THAT'S why we don't use them...**
Monday, June 11, 2012
Common Courtesy has gone to the dogs..
So, I've been a bad dog mommy and hadn't taken Maggie to the park lately. Since I actually managed to finish my homework on time (early even!) we went to the little dog park about 3 blocks from our house. We were there less than 15 minutes....
No sooner did we get to the park did a large (poodle? grey labradoodle if that's possible?) start taking an interest in my little 11lb baby. It sniffed her and followed her around and after about 10 minutes, it just didn't get the message that Maggie wasn't interested.
He(?) tried to hump Maggie, but was way too tall so it just stood over her, which seemed pretty creepy! She kept trying to get away from him and trying to put me between her and this behemoth. This went on for another couple of minutes and Maggie finally gave him a warning snap, which was presently ignored. She decided she had enough and tried to jump up to my arms so I picked her up and carried her to the other side of the park; Big Grey followed... Let her down for a minute and Big Grey started up again and so we just left. This whole time BG's owner was standing there talking about how cute it was and how her dog is just fascinated with little dogs and even after I carried Maggie away she never once called her dog off, despite Maggie's distress. Even Maggie's snap didn't clue this woman in that she needed to corral her dog- although I do believe that dogs need to sort things out like that and you can't go jumping in every time there's a snap or scuffle. But after my dog snapped and her dog completely ignored it, she should have done something besides just giggle over the little dog giving some attitude to the big dog. Or maybe I'm off base?
I don't care if our dogs play or if your dog humps mine or whatever the case happens to be. But the moment I see your dog looks even the slightest bit uncomfortable or isn't interested, I make Maggie "leave it!". The last thing I want is for you to feel like you and your dog can't enjoy the park because my dog is an ass (which she sometimes is). I will leave with my asshole dog if that's the case because you are there to spend time with your dog and socialize with other dogs and get some exercise or whatever it is you are there for. Yes, I believe dogs will be dogs and that they need to sort out their own issues, dog to dog. But come on...
No sooner did we get to the park did a large (poodle? grey labradoodle if that's possible?) start taking an interest in my little 11lb baby. It sniffed her and followed her around and after about 10 minutes, it just didn't get the message that Maggie wasn't interested.
He(?) tried to hump Maggie, but was way too tall so it just stood over her, which seemed pretty creepy! She kept trying to get away from him and trying to put me between her and this behemoth. This went on for another couple of minutes and Maggie finally gave him a warning snap, which was presently ignored. She decided she had enough and tried to jump up to my arms so I picked her up and carried her to the other side of the park; Big Grey followed... Let her down for a minute and Big Grey started up again and so we just left. This whole time BG's owner was standing there talking about how cute it was and how her dog is just fascinated with little dogs and even after I carried Maggie away she never once called her dog off, despite Maggie's distress. Even Maggie's snap didn't clue this woman in that she needed to corral her dog- although I do believe that dogs need to sort things out like that and you can't go jumping in every time there's a snap or scuffle. But after my dog snapped and her dog completely ignored it, she should have done something besides just giggle over the little dog giving some attitude to the big dog. Or maybe I'm off base?
I don't care if our dogs play or if your dog humps mine or whatever the case happens to be. But the moment I see your dog looks even the slightest bit uncomfortable or isn't interested, I make Maggie "leave it!". The last thing I want is for you to feel like you and your dog can't enjoy the park because my dog is an ass (which she sometimes is). I will leave with my asshole dog if that's the case because you are there to spend time with your dog and socialize with other dogs and get some exercise or whatever it is you are there for. Yes, I believe dogs will be dogs and that they need to sort out their own issues, dog to dog. But come on...
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Time to get all up in my bis-snatch (if you know what I mean)
Believe it or not, I'm very excited to share the news that I found a new gynecologist yesterday. Yes, excited and gynecologist just worked their way into the same sentence. Thing is, this is probably the first time I've walked away from an exam not feeling like a total slut.
Let's go back a couple years when I moved to Denver. New to town, didn't know a soul and way more socially awkward than even now. So, when it came time for my yearly exam, a chore but necessary evil in my mind, I didn't know where to turn. I didn't know anyone and the women I worked with I wasn't comfortable enough asking. Google to the rescue and I settled for a place that had "women" in the title and looked to be staffed entirely by middle-aged respectable-looking mature female doctors.
I don't really know what I was expecting, here this being my first visit to a big city lady-doctor, but it was a perfectly normal, average office. The nurse collected me from the waiting room, took my vitals, blah blah blah... So, here's where it got weird. Again, I didn't know anyone in town, including guys.. well, the names of certain guys I knew ;-) but I didn't know them, know them. Had dated and whatnot and that's my business but apparently my assigned doctor thought it was her business to know some details beyond "When was the last time you had intercourse?". Already slightly uncomfortable (hey! maybe this is normal operations and I'm just awkward again, right?) I buck up the courage to ask about birth control and was informed that I wasn't eligible for anything like the IUD because I wasn't married nor in a monogamous relationship (something about having a foreign object up there becomes susceptible to infections in which the risk is increased when multiple partners are involved... the more you know!) Since my new insurance had made my favorite form of birth control too expensive I resigned myself to Depo, or "the shot." Looking all pleased with herself the doctor went to exit the room and get ready for my exam when I steadied myself again and asked for a full STD screening (another yearly chore). That's when I received... the look.
Ladies, I may not need to explain this look but in case we have those that don't get it among us, the look says it all. Slight furled upper lip, brow pinched ever so subtly and a look in the eyes that screams "WHORE WHORE WHORE!"
What the fuck did I do to deserve that look? Because I'm overly cautious and have insurance that covers stuff like that and even though I have ZERO reason to believe either the STD test OR birth control was necessary? Is it because I admitted to being non-monogamous (kinda hard to be monogamous when there isn't anyone around to be monogamous with) AND requested STD screening? Go Fuck Yourself you snooty over-the-hill stuck up bitch! Except I kept going back... and every single time I could see that look in her face.
Fast forward to a time when I grew some lady balls and decided to find a new doctor: this week. This time around I asked for recommendations and took a chance and wow! Here's that word again: excited. Nervously I pulled the same routine, asking for birth control and STD testing in the same breath. "Not a problem! We do that all the time here- actually just standard practice." No judgement, no looks and no probing questions...
AND! since I'm back to a better insurance, could go back on my fav birth control and stop the stupid shot AND! she had samples which covers me for 3 months in addition to the year prescription. AND! she was fast... in and out and done faster than a frat boy on a Thursday night, unlike that other wench who thought she was going on an expedition in there.
The best part about this new doctor, though, is what I mentioned in the first paragraph- the new doctor didn't make be feel like a slut. She made me feel like the empowered, responsible woman I am that made a choice years ago to take charge of my body and make sure that everything down there was good to go. If that makes me a slut, whatever.. But as least I didn't feel the need to apologize for it or subject myself to perceived abuse just to get my yearly check up. And that is very empowering.
Let's go back a couple years when I moved to Denver. New to town, didn't know a soul and way more socially awkward than even now. So, when it came time for my yearly exam, a chore but necessary evil in my mind, I didn't know where to turn. I didn't know anyone and the women I worked with I wasn't comfortable enough asking. Google to the rescue and I settled for a place that had "women" in the title and looked to be staffed entirely by middle-aged respectable-looking mature female doctors.
I don't really know what I was expecting, here this being my first visit to a big city lady-doctor, but it was a perfectly normal, average office. The nurse collected me from the waiting room, took my vitals, blah blah blah... So, here's where it got weird. Again, I didn't know anyone in town, including guys.. well, the names of certain guys I knew ;-) but I didn't know them, know them. Had dated and whatnot and that's my business but apparently my assigned doctor thought it was her business to know some details beyond "When was the last time you had intercourse?". Already slightly uncomfortable (hey! maybe this is normal operations and I'm just awkward again, right?) I buck up the courage to ask about birth control and was informed that I wasn't eligible for anything like the IUD because I wasn't married nor in a monogamous relationship (something about having a foreign object up there becomes susceptible to infections in which the risk is increased when multiple partners are involved... the more you know!) Since my new insurance had made my favorite form of birth control too expensive I resigned myself to Depo, or "the shot." Looking all pleased with herself the doctor went to exit the room and get ready for my exam when I steadied myself again and asked for a full STD screening (another yearly chore). That's when I received... the look.
Ladies, I may not need to explain this look but in case we have those that don't get it among us, the look says it all. Slight furled upper lip, brow pinched ever so subtly and a look in the eyes that screams "WHORE WHORE WHORE!"
What the fuck did I do to deserve that look? Because I'm overly cautious and have insurance that covers stuff like that and even though I have ZERO reason to believe either the STD test OR birth control was necessary? Is it because I admitted to being non-monogamous (kinda hard to be monogamous when there isn't anyone around to be monogamous with) AND requested STD screening? Go Fuck Yourself you snooty over-the-hill stuck up bitch! Except I kept going back... and every single time I could see that look in her face.
Fast forward to a time when I grew some lady balls and decided to find a new doctor: this week. This time around I asked for recommendations and took a chance and wow! Here's that word again: excited. Nervously I pulled the same routine, asking for birth control and STD testing in the same breath. "Not a problem! We do that all the time here- actually just standard practice." No judgement, no looks and no probing questions...
AND! since I'm back to a better insurance, could go back on my fav birth control and stop the stupid shot AND! she had samples which covers me for 3 months in addition to the year prescription. AND! she was fast... in and out and done faster than a frat boy on a Thursday night, unlike that other wench who thought she was going on an expedition in there.
The best part about this new doctor, though, is what I mentioned in the first paragraph- the new doctor didn't make be feel like a slut. She made me feel like the empowered, responsible woman I am that made a choice years ago to take charge of my body and make sure that everything down there was good to go. If that makes me a slut, whatever.. But as least I didn't feel the need to apologize for it or subject myself to perceived abuse just to get my yearly check up. And that is very empowering.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
You don't live like me? What an idiot!
So, I hate money. Maybe it's the result of being the daughter of a banker and spending lots of time near the vaults and teller lines and in that secret back room full of cash behind the ATM. Or maybe because money is such a pain in the ass. Period.
Ironically, though, I catch myself reading lots and lots of articles about money and how to manage it. MSN Money, Forbes, Fiscal Times, Reuters... somehow I manage to browse them all and inevitable end up shaking my head at the hundreds of articles of advice that seem to be written for.. I don't know.. rich people?
I'm not talking like Donald Trump or Warren Buffet rich. I'm talking Executive or Lawyer rich. What is that these days, $350,000? Despite all my readings, I'm still clueless to what people make and what it takes to live. The point is, these articles give super helpful tips like cutting back on expenses by only getting a Brazilian Blow-Out once every two weeks- no one's going to notice... Or reduce your grocery bill by cutting down your meat dishes to only 2-3 times a week.. Should you pay for your kid's college because you clearly have that kind of money set aside? But don't tap into that vast retirement fund to do it! Cut back on that expensive gym membership! Cut down on your driving or trade in for something more fuel efficient! Make coffee at home! Cancel your....... whatever.
These are all reasonable ways to cut back- don't get me wrong. But this is for people that actually know what a blow-out is (not the tire kind- the one where your long luxurious locks are professionally blow dried and styled a la local TV news anchor style) and for people that could previously afford meat at every meal and have socked away retirement money AND savings. This certainly isn't me- nor many of the people I know!
I remember a time when I was working 2.5 part time jobs plus going to school full time and trying to take care of the menagerie of pets I had taken in (dog, 2 cats, 2 birds, fish..). I ate ramen noodles dry, straight out of the package while driving from one job to the next. If it wasn't ramen, it was dollar menu from whatever drive through I was closest to. Coffee takes time to prepare and you generally have to wait for it to cool down before drinking so I "splurged" on energy drinks and cigarettes to get me through the 20 hour days. Thankfully, that was a VERY short period of time for me and you can bet I went a little crazy when I finally landed a full time job that paid nearly twice what I was making with all the part-time work and school assistance (military benefits for school probably saved my life- this could have been a completely different story). I had to suddenly scramble to fill my life with the things I "needed" but couldn't ever afford. I spent like a Hollywood starlet out on the town for the first time. After my first year, I had bought a house and furnished it, a new car (like new- new.. same model year and no miles on it), ate sushi every night, splurged on bottle service... drained my savings. Actually, I never saved because money just kept coming. I was working so much keeping busy and traveling for work, never bothered with silly things like friends but that's ok. I was making good money and even better money on my "trips" and spending just about all of it- MAYBE saving about 5% because I forgot I had that there.
I did this for 2 years when I decided I needed a change and transferred to Denver, doing the same job but without the traveling bonus money and whoa... suddenly broke again. For the NEXT 2 years I struggled to get my finances back under control because I had to re-learn to live within my means. When traveling, I had no idea what my means were so once that was eliminated I had to learn the hard way how to budget. Obviously, still didn't learn my lesson as I took on a job going back to traveling just to take care of some debts and reset my finances.
So here I am, vowing once again to budget and live humbly but it's hard, right? Especially when I go to Forbes looking for advice and they tell me to cut back on my socializing or to skip a week of taking my dog to the groomers (which we've never ever been to one...) And then I come across this gem:
http://www.thefiscaltimes.com/Articles/2012/03/07/The-Real-Cost-of-Living-150000-Minimum.aspx#page1
The Real Cost of Living: $150,000 Uh... What?! The average American household is not even half that! What kind of cost of living are we talking about, my post-broke first job type lifestyle (which even then I didn't make that much!)? What are these people doing that takes $150,000 a year to live? And THEN they said that's for some place like Peoria, Illinois. The equivalent for large cities was astronomical.
The best part of this article, though, was reading the comments on the bottom. Well, a lot of these finance articles comments run quite similarly. There's always a hefty amount of commenters running their mouth about how people need to live within their means and stop driving gas guzzlers. There's people (like me) that go on about how they used to be soooo broke and now they're living large because they figured out how to (insert trick here). Then there's the people that decide to share their finances with the board with stuff like "I make 75k a year and am barely scraping by!" which causes the self-righteous post-broke people to blast them and calling them stupid and do they really NEED to live in a house? What do you NEED a car for- use your legs! I'd be living like a king if I only had to pay $X for rent like you, you dumb-fuck.
But here's the thing with money and advice and telling people how dumb they are for living the life that they chose... there's a reason it's called "Personal Finance." You live your life, I live mine. You make $x and I make $y. Why should your budget (or lack of one or whatever!) and your rules apply to me? I learned painfully the ways that I need to manage my money and am still learning that whole "live within your means" thing. Sure, I fuck-up, a lot. I spend money I don't have, but then I work my ass off to pay for that. I take responsibility for my bills and pay my debts. I've learned to evaluate wants and needs and yet, I live a life of instant gratification and really don't appreciate being told to wait and save and pay for it with cash. I don't appreciate being told that I'm stupid for buying the things that I want. because I know it, already. I know that some of my splurges are retarded and I know that there is nothing that I NEED so badly it can't wait until next payday or whenever. I know.. but this is my checkbook, my life. My fuck-ups, my payments. My job, my things. I don't live your life and you don't live mine so lets just be friends (and go for sushi later?)
Ironically, though, I catch myself reading lots and lots of articles about money and how to manage it. MSN Money, Forbes, Fiscal Times, Reuters... somehow I manage to browse them all and inevitable end up shaking my head at the hundreds of articles of advice that seem to be written for.. I don't know.. rich people?
I'm not talking like Donald Trump or Warren Buffet rich. I'm talking Executive or Lawyer rich. What is that these days, $350,000? Despite all my readings, I'm still clueless to what people make and what it takes to live. The point is, these articles give super helpful tips like cutting back on expenses by only getting a Brazilian Blow-Out once every two weeks- no one's going to notice... Or reduce your grocery bill by cutting down your meat dishes to only 2-3 times a week.. Should you pay for your kid's college because you clearly have that kind of money set aside? But don't tap into that vast retirement fund to do it! Cut back on that expensive gym membership! Cut down on your driving or trade in for something more fuel efficient! Make coffee at home! Cancel your....... whatever.
These are all reasonable ways to cut back- don't get me wrong. But this is for people that actually know what a blow-out is (not the tire kind- the one where your long luxurious locks are professionally blow dried and styled a la local TV news anchor style) and for people that could previously afford meat at every meal and have socked away retirement money AND savings. This certainly isn't me- nor many of the people I know!
I remember a time when I was working 2.5 part time jobs plus going to school full time and trying to take care of the menagerie of pets I had taken in (dog, 2 cats, 2 birds, fish..). I ate ramen noodles dry, straight out of the package while driving from one job to the next. If it wasn't ramen, it was dollar menu from whatever drive through I was closest to. Coffee takes time to prepare and you generally have to wait for it to cool down before drinking so I "splurged" on energy drinks and cigarettes to get me through the 20 hour days. Thankfully, that was a VERY short period of time for me and you can bet I went a little crazy when I finally landed a full time job that paid nearly twice what I was making with all the part-time work and school assistance (military benefits for school probably saved my life- this could have been a completely different story). I had to suddenly scramble to fill my life with the things I "needed" but couldn't ever afford. I spent like a Hollywood starlet out on the town for the first time. After my first year, I had bought a house and furnished it, a new car (like new- new.. same model year and no miles on it), ate sushi every night, splurged on bottle service... drained my savings. Actually, I never saved because money just kept coming. I was working so much keeping busy and traveling for work, never bothered with silly things like friends but that's ok. I was making good money and even better money on my "trips" and spending just about all of it- MAYBE saving about 5% because I forgot I had that there.
I did this for 2 years when I decided I needed a change and transferred to Denver, doing the same job but without the traveling bonus money and whoa... suddenly broke again. For the NEXT 2 years I struggled to get my finances back under control because I had to re-learn to live within my means. When traveling, I had no idea what my means were so once that was eliminated I had to learn the hard way how to budget. Obviously, still didn't learn my lesson as I took on a job going back to traveling just to take care of some debts and reset my finances.
So here I am, vowing once again to budget and live humbly but it's hard, right? Especially when I go to Forbes looking for advice and they tell me to cut back on my socializing or to skip a week of taking my dog to the groomers (which we've never ever been to one...) And then I come across this gem:
http://www.thefiscaltimes.com/Articles/2012/03/07/The-Real-Cost-of-Living-150000-Minimum.aspx#page1
The Real Cost of Living: $150,000 Uh... What?! The average American household is not even half that! What kind of cost of living are we talking about, my post-broke first job type lifestyle (which even then I didn't make that much!)? What are these people doing that takes $150,000 a year to live? And THEN they said that's for some place like Peoria, Illinois. The equivalent for large cities was astronomical.
The best part of this article, though, was reading the comments on the bottom. Well, a lot of these finance articles comments run quite similarly. There's always a hefty amount of commenters running their mouth about how people need to live within their means and stop driving gas guzzlers. There's people (like me) that go on about how they used to be soooo broke and now they're living large because they figured out how to (insert trick here). Then there's the people that decide to share their finances with the board with stuff like "I make 75k a year and am barely scraping by!" which causes the self-righteous post-broke people to blast them and calling them stupid and do they really NEED to live in a house? What do you NEED a car for- use your legs! I'd be living like a king if I only had to pay $X for rent like you, you dumb-fuck.
But here's the thing with money and advice and telling people how dumb they are for living the life that they chose... there's a reason it's called "Personal Finance." You live your life, I live mine. You make $x and I make $y. Why should your budget (or lack of one or whatever!) and your rules apply to me? I learned painfully the ways that I need to manage my money and am still learning that whole "live within your means" thing. Sure, I fuck-up, a lot. I spend money I don't have, but then I work my ass off to pay for that. I take responsibility for my bills and pay my debts. I've learned to evaluate wants and needs and yet, I live a life of instant gratification and really don't appreciate being told to wait and save and pay for it with cash. I don't appreciate being told that I'm stupid for buying the things that I want. because I know it, already. I know that some of my splurges are retarded and I know that there is nothing that I NEED so badly it can't wait until next payday or whenever. I know.. but this is my checkbook, my life. My fuck-ups, my payments. My job, my things. I don't live your life and you don't live mine so lets just be friends (and go for sushi later?)
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